This January I start a course, The Responsible Adult course, a course that will allow me to substitute in a preschool setting, as well as some other things....I am really looking forward to this, for many reasons. Who would have thunk that I would miss doing homework!? I miss trying, trying for a good grade, trying for praise, working for recognition...I am eager to take a test, get results, and not a pregnancy test, or a Gestational Diabetes test.....a real test, that will earn me certification :-)
I don't get graded for making a good dinner, doing a good job at cleaning the house, making the beds, laundry...I must tell you I think I would mostly get straight A's if I did (is that being narcissistic?) oh well, I said it anyway...maybe a B- when it comes to cleaning......I know I do great at my job, I know I enjoy my meals, my baking, my crafty skills...but I am truly looking forward to completing homework, doing quizzes, and having my name on a certificate, even if it isn't a degree...
Do I wish I would have gone to University? Sure, but I still wonder what I would have taken there!? I always wanted to me a mom, but somehow, these days, it just doesn't cut it...I struggle all the time thinking of things I would be good at, courses to take, programs to enroll in...I often look at the Special Education Assistant Program....but I just don't think I am cut out for that...I miss retail, I miss my customers, I miss smiling and getting a smile back (most of the time) I miss wrapping, and ringing in sales...I miss strolling in with my coffee, eager for the sales of the day...
Is is bad to say I miss a full paycheck!? or to say I miss the hustle and bustle of a full time job...being involved in something outside of the house....being part of 'the' crowd...sigh.....why is it that we always want the things we don't have!? No, I am not truthfully grateful everyday for the things I have, I am envious, jealous, and sometimes get resentful...I can admit that, and I think that its only natural...there are days that I want what everyone else has...I would change some things if I could...I think we all would, wether they are big or small...I think you are kidding yourself if you say you wouldn't...but what I always say to myself is, "things could always be worse". It doesn't mean I love my kids any less, or my husband or my family....and for any of you who think that came out wrong, I am grateful, just some days I need some more reassurance than others.....
I will continue searching for something that makes my heart and bank account happy..it has to be out there somewhere, and I know I will rock this course, it's been a long time coming!
K
Of course you will rock the course! I can't imagine anything different. If it makes you feel any better, I go through the same feelings all the time. The grass definitely does always seem greener on the other side... although everyone on the other side has the same feelings. We only see what we want to see... and we only put out there (generally) what we want others to see - you know, the fabulous life everyone leads... according to their Facebook page. :) You have so much to offer, and I think if you're passing that on to your kids and you're happy and healthy, that's awesome... anything else is a plus! x
ReplyDeletewhat you wrote is exactly how I have been feeling lately...thanks for sharing! xoxo
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