
This January I start a course, The Responsible Adult course, a course that will allow me to substitute in a preschool setting, as well as some other things....I am really looking forward to this, for many reasons. Who would have thunk that I would miss doing homework!? I miss trying, trying for a good grade, trying for praise, working for recognition...I am eager to take a test, get results, and not a pregnancy test, or a Gestational Diabetes test.....a real test, that will earn me certification :-)
I don't get graded for making a good dinner, doing a good job at cleaning the house, making the beds, laundry...I must tell you I think I would mostly get straight A's if I did (is that being narcissistic?) oh well, I said it anyway...maybe a B- when it comes to cleaning......I know I do great at my job, I know I enjoy my meals, my baking, my crafty skills...but I am truly looking forward to completing homework, doing quizzes, and having my name on a certificate, even if it isn't a degree...
Do I wish I would have gone to University? Sure, but I still wonder what I would have taken there!? I always wanted to me a mom, but somehow, these days, it just doesn't cut it...I struggle all the time thinking of things I would be good at, courses to take, programs to enroll in...I often look at the Special Education Assistant Program....but I just don't think I am cut out for that...I miss retail, I miss my customers, I miss smiling and getting a smile back (most of the time) I miss wrapping, and ringing in sales...I miss strolling in with my coffee, eager for the sales of the day...
Is is bad to say I miss a full paycheck!? or to say I miss the hustle and bustle of a full time job...being involved in something outside of the house....being part of 'the' crowd...sigh.....why is it that we always want the things we don't have!? No, I am not truthfully grateful everyday for the things I have, I am envious, jealous, and sometimes get resentful...I can admit that, and I think that its only natural...there are days that I want what everyone else has...I would change some things if I could...I think we all would, wether they are big or small...I think you are kidding yourself if you say you wouldn't...but what I always say to myself is, "things could always be worse". It doesn't mean I love my kids any less, or my husband or my family....and for any of you who think that came out wrong, I am grateful, just some days I need some more reassurance than others.....
I will continue searching for something that makes my heart and bank account happy..it has to be out there somewhere, and I know I will rock this course, it's been a long time coming!
K